Silly Insecurities and Facebook Vulnerability

This was too long to be a Facebook post so I thought I would dust off the old blog and get this out of my system.

Two times now I have posted a selection of headshots to my Facebook and have received criticism that I did not ask for. And I cannot express to you how much it messed me up. There are a lot of things that are worth criticizing in this world, and of course my behaviour, attitude, opinions, etc. are not above critique. I am surely not a perfect person. That being said, I do not believe anyone on this entire planet deserves to be told that they look bad. I cannot think of a single scenario where it is helpful to say some of the things that have been said to me- supposedly out of kindness. So I wanted to take a moment to dissect it all, as I truly love to intellectualize all of my issues!

Do you remember the program What Not to Wear? It was presented as a way to help people be more stylish and present themselves “better” I guess. Have you tried watching it recently? It used to be a show my mom and I would enjoy- but seeing clips of it now make me want to cry! There is so much cruelty in the show, not attributable to any one person, but the format itself. And you know what really is the issue that these people are facing? Poverty. I’m sure there are several other examples of shows like that, where the format was essentially “we will pay you if you let us humiliate you on a massive scale”. And people did it not because what they needed was fashion advice or education on how to dress their bodies- which I do think are genuine services that people can benefit from- but most of these people just needed money to buy new clothes!

Recently, I was working as a background actor and went to check with wardrobe that my outfit was good for what they were looking for- I had followed the description that was sent to me as best I could, but you’re always asked to being a few options. I did not bring too many options for pants because I was using my car in my job that day, meaning I likely would not be seen from the waist down. The wardrobe person who was working with me asked if these were my pants and I said yes, and she turned to me and said, “well are you going to wear them properly or keep them like that?”. I asked her “what do you mean?” and her colleague- who was very tactful in this moment- said “oh don’t worry about that, we’ve got a jacket for you here that will work perfectly.” I was so struck by this comment because for one, I wasn’t sure how I was wearing the pants incorrectly because they are… pants? I have no clue what she meant by “properly”. Additionally, these are my personal clothes that I wear out into the world. I was really hurt and worried that maybe these pants make me look stupid somehow- a worry I have often about my appearance since gaining a lot of weight in the past three years.

Something that I have been really focused on in the last couple of years is clothing myself more sustainably and more happily- a challenge in a body as long and large as mine (but probably for most people in this economy!). I don’t want to get rid of clothing that I can still get use out of. This comment made me want to get rid of so much of my wardrobe because it wasn’t the perfect fit- but I don’t have the money to replace it all. I am working in small steps. I couldn’t believe how much it bothered me and made me feel immediately bad about myself. But how does this relate to my headshot stories? Well, it’s all part of a larger conversation- people’s appearances are not 100% in their control. And I’m tired of people misunderstanding this. But before I get too ahead of myself- back to the headshot stories.

Last year I saw a post on Facebook from a photographer, Attila Ataner (https://attilaportraits.com/), who was offering a discount and decided to take him up on his offer. I thought his photos were so interesting and I was trying to get back into acting- but my own way. I was struggling with my identity within my career and Attila was a great fit for me. He is a portrait photographer, less versed in what a casting director might be looking for but expert in working with subjects and the camera. The photos we created with makeup and hair by Kianté Williams made me feel alive again and honestly made me hate my body and face a lot less. Attila also gave me a lot of photo retouching for free because I was so happy with the results. I appreciate their artistry and fun in the room while we worked as I was asking a lot from them.

When I posted the photos to Facebook, I said the following:

“When I got my new headshots done I decided I didn’t want to try to mold myself to be what I imagined someone else would want. I tried, with the stellar portrait artist Attila Ataner Photography, to use the headshot session as a chance to capture myself. I have to say I’m very pleased with the results. We also did some amazing burlesque shots.

I have had such an incredible life thus far and I don’t want to spend another minute wondering if someone didn’t contact me after an audition because I’m fatter than my photos from five years ago. So here I am! Cool and beautiful and deep and wonderful and full of joy and sadness! Wheeee!”

A few hours after posting them, I received a message from a friend (who is still a friend and should not feel bad if he reads this) who asked if he, as someone with knowledge of the film industry, could offer me feedback on the photos.

I said no. He gave his opinion anyway.

Inherently frustrating as it is to have someone disrespect your expressed desire in this instance, critiquing someone’s photos of themselves without invitation is so personally hurtful. As I had said when I posted them, I wanted to capture myself and I felt we were successful. I felt deeply seen in these photos. To have someone come in with unsolicited opinions about my presentation of myself was hurtful in a way I had never anticipated.

Immediately after this interaction though, I had a family emergency and had to put it all out of my mind. Probably why I wasn’t prepared for it happening again.

Yesterday, I posted a few of the straight-from-camera photos that I had from my latest headshot session with Lindsey Macdonald and hair and makeup by Leanna Testani. I posted it with the following caption:

“Hi friends, I am looking for your input!

I got new headshots done and find them stuuuuunning, and I need help with choosing which ones to prioritize using! These are the straight from camera shots so keep in mind if there is one you think is superb except for a weird hair here and there, that can be fixed!

This is only one of three looks- this one was designed to be more like a cop character or a weekend mom. So if one of these photos makes you think "don't mess with her!" do let me know!!

More to come ”

I received a lot of really lovely feedback, which is very valuable to me because after a certain amount of time looking at my own face, I feel I am no longer objective or even thinking straight! But I also received this comment:

“This is unsolicited and I apologise as the photos have all been taken but as an image consultant I have to say that to pass a message you either need to wear a colour that really suits you OR wear a colour that creates the effect you are looking for ( blue - respect, green approachable, red drama etc).

Pale grey sends no positive signal and suits only about 3% of the population and for the rest grey drains their faces. It means everyone needs to wear more makeup to compensate.

The contrast with your hair is too great so we split our attention to 2 things your face and yr t-shirt rather than only your face.

Any deep bold colour except black would work best with your colouring, and avoiding pastels.”

This comment not only was completely unwelcome and unhelpful, it is also not for the correct audience. I don’t know anyone in the film industry who says “you have to wear blue to say that you’re respectable”, you know? The line of thinking is different. I don’t know what “image consultant” means in this context, but it doesn’t seem like it’s related to casting, agencies, or film sets. It reminds me of a bad acting teacher who says “think of the colour red when your character feels anger”.

Now let me add some context about why these instances both infuriated me.

1)        By the time you are seeing these photos, I have already spent hours looking them over. I have already decided that these photos are options that I like, even if you do not.

2)        These are the best crop of the original photos. In my most recent session I got about 350 photos to sift through. That cannot guarantee that they are the best photos ever taken- but they are the best of that batch.

3)        I have already paid for the photos. In both sessions I paid around $700 all told.

4)        I cannot change the past. The poses, outfits, lighting, hair, makeup, it’s all done. Photoshop cannot create a new photo from scratch (at least not at this price point!)

5)        Both times the commenters were aware that what they were offering had not been welcomed by me, and would not lead to having new or better photos. Perhaps this is simply a function of social media for some people- you share your opinions wherever you desire. And in a lot of instances, this might be a fine way to use social media. But these are not just comments about an opinion, an event, a philosophy. They are, ultimately, about me.

I was and still am surprised how much this hurt me. I guess I didn’t realize how personal sharing photos of myself really is- in the selfie age it doesn’t feel like a big deal inherently. But the second someone says they don’t like the photo, I feel deeply personally attacked. My immediate response to this most recent comment was “I am never posting my headshots again”. It also once again triggers my insecurities about not being able to dress myself exactly how I want, even though I happen to LOVE my pale grey shirt and so did my photographer, because I had options to wear and this one was chosen over others!

I can guarantee you that I would dress better, style my hair more, and have better makeup and skincare routines if I had more money. But these are skills that require investment not only in educating oneself, practicing, and messing up, but it demands financial investment as well. I have made HUGE strides this past year in this regard. I’ve bought a blow dryer for the first time in my adult life recently. I am making a point to wear sunscreen when I leave the house. I am going to shops, stylists, TikTok, and asking questions and watching tutorials. But it is WORK. And it is, very often, work that men are not required to do. The sexism in the industry bothers me greatly, but I wish at the very least it didn’t feel like a fight to simply acknowledge that it is happening. Even the size of my body is largely out of my control-though I gained a lot of weight through the pandemic, I have noticed in the past several months that changes in my sugar consumption don’t affect my size at all, for example. My weight is probably significantly more affected by my birth control and mood medications than my diet. Bodies are different and I am still learning about mine, inside and out.

I promise that anyone who is sharing a part of themselves with you- through a photo or otherwise- has already seen themselves in the worst possible light. I have looked at some of these photos with deep regret at times- not because the photo is bad, but because I wish I was thinner, prettier, could open my eyes more, etc. I think I am pretty good at putting that aside and being objective when I need to be, but when just one person, out of even a DOZEN others offering me endless kindness, support, and generosity, offers me criticism that I can do nothing about, I feel like I’m boiling from the inside.

So why am I writing all of this down? One, I am mad, and this is helpful for me. Two, I want to remind you that people sharing images of themselves as actors are still people who have as many insecurities as anyone else in the world. Three, we are almost always our own harshest critics, and any criticism you have of my images, I’ve probably already thought of it, so it is not necessary for you to point it out to me! Four, there’s often way more going on behind the scenes that you aren’t a part of because it’s simply not about you.

And finally, I am writing all of this down as official notice that the next person who offers me unsolicited advice on my headshots will be sent an invoice for $700 so I can get new ones according to their specifications. You can choose my outfits, the photographer, the backgrounds, the makeup, if you want to. You just have to provide the funds and do the work to make it happen. And if you’re not willing to do that, you can kindly scroll on by.